Being a Woman is Hard
The other day I went to work in Missoula for a woman I adore. I hadn’t seen her in a few months since I am usually covering for her when she is on vacation or teaching. I was supposed to work for her the week we had a miscarriage. We had the baby on Monday and I planned to be there Wednesday. I let her know I would most likely be there Wednesday but to hold it loosely. She immediately responded that I would not be coming to work and that she would figure out coverage for the day. She told me to take care of myself and sent flowers. When I walked in the office this week and she asked me how I was doing, I broke down and started crying. Between sobs I said, “being a woman is hard.” She responded kindly with, “I know, and being a working one is hard.”
I have been feeling the pressures of being a woman/mother lately. I grew up without a mother. I joke that my dad raised two boys because it was what he knew and it was easier to raise us the same. I was encouraged to be assertive, eager, dominate anything I put my mind to, lean into my competitiveness, never show emotion. He also wanted us to have jobs that allowed us to take care of ourselves. Respect. A lot of my characteristics would be described as “masculine.” While these characteristics have served me well, they are not often looked kindly upon being female. I find myself pushing up against the social expectation to express femininity. What does femininity look like to me? I don’t really know. If you nerd out on the enneagram as we do, I’m an 8. The 8 is often described as, “The Challenger.” Click here to read more. Society tells women to be anything but an 8, yet praises men for the qualities of an 8. Although frustrating at times, those qualities got me where I am today so I can’t be too harsh on them. Sometimes my husband has to remind me that although I think I am coming across at a level 2, other people perceive it at a level 9. Turn it to the left…
Flash forward to today. A time when everyone says, “you can do it all!” You can have kids, have a successful full time career, make home cooked meals, engage with your kids after a full day of work, hang with your friends, travel, enjoy time off, adventure, continue your social life, exercise, treat yourself (with all that free time), be the breadwinner and also the primary parent….and so on and so forth. Well it’s bulls**t. Before having kids I envisioned myself as this “powerful” matriarch - working full time and making pancakes every morning for my kids. I haven’t made pancakes before work once. If you have enough balls in the air one is going to drop and if you push it to the edge you’re going to find it. One of the most valuable things I’ve realized since becoming a parent is I can’t do it all. When I try something suffers. That something can be my mental health, my connection with my kids, the amount of junk food we eat, my relationship with my husband, my patience and my patients at work, friendships, my discernment decreases and so on and so forth. The really neat thing is its a different “something” every time I try and do it all. That makes this challenge super predictable and easy to navigate. I love my kids but time away from them is beneficial. I love my job but working too much makes me a crabby paddy (bad mom). When you give up one thing you gain another. Priorities become a necessity and time becomes thinner and thinner until it’s eventually non existent. We over schedule ourselves and try to keep up appearances. Even though I know I can’t do it all I still find myself getting wrapped up in trying to. There are social pressures, internal and external pressures, biases, financial pressures that drive the attempt forward.
Because of my upbringing, I used to think I didn’t believe in gender rolls. I used to think I was a feminist for being able to do everything myself. I used to think I wanted to raise daughters to “do it all” as well. I used to think I would love being the bread winner. I laugh at past Sam. If past Sam could see current Sam she would be disgusted with her weaknesses. Weaknesses like working 1-2 days a week, driving my kid to his appointments, not having a nanny, making sourdough weekly, wanting to homeschool, living in a 750 sq. ft. home, not going on international trips, showing emotions, being vulnerable, joining a “home church”, relaxing at home, creating a home, canning vegetables, believing that gender rolls serve a purpose in the way God created us.
It feels like you lose value as a woman the less you perform. This is true for everyone, not just women. I have rambled on about ableism in a past post. There are an incredulous amount of labels put on women. The volume I've experienced is overwhelming when I stop to think about it. Daughter, sister, friend, wife, mom, not feminine, dentist, assertive, too much, blunt, athletic, nerdy, competitive, step-sister, step-daughter, intense, southerner, smart, stubborn, wild, angry, privileged, mom of a child with Down syndrome, advocate, grand-daughter, artist, aunt, and the list could go on. I’m sure everyone resonates with this. There is a lot. A lot that comes with being a woman. A lot of external pressure to be a certain way, perform, put yourself last, have your miscarriage but be sure to show up to work the next day, or day after…people are depending on you…make sure you dress appropriately, say the right things, be thin but not too thin, have kids, don’t be too much, stand up for yourself, be emotional but not too emotional, don’t be judgmental, breast feed your kid or else they will be dumb. Aren’t you gentle parenting? Everyone is these days…regulate your emotions so you can help your kids to regulate theirs, don’t talk about inappropriate things like periods, miscarriages, sex, but be vulnerable. So much of our society and our culture pulls women in a multitude of directions. I’m not Gumby. I am going to break.
It’s been remarkable having Noah. I have been able to take many labels off, rip them to shreds and throw them into the fire, attempting to cleave them from my self worth. I have cared less about what society thinks is important and more about what is good for my family. I am discovering its okay to push back on pressures and expectations society places on women. I would like to define motherhood and femininity on my own terms rather than being bound by society’s rigid, often unrealistic expectations. I am aiming to create space for myself to exist beyond the narrow definitions society places on us, and in doing so, hopefully offering others permission to do the same. It’s a beautiful kind of rebellion, one that allows for much more freedom and authenticity in how I show up in the world. Noah is unabashedly himself and will most likely never conform to the social pressures around him. We often tease that Lou will be completely embarrassed by us at times, but Noah will only be there laughing with us. However, Noah will always have a label - Down syndrome. Whether he chooses to live into that label of disability will be up to him.
The idea that life is inherently messy, unpredictable, and full of contradictions, yet we're often expected to be flawless or at least have it all together, can feel deeply frustrating. It's like the world says, "Be perfect," but then throws a million challenges at us that make perfection seem impossible or at least, irrelevant to the real human experience. Get a grip. It's almost as if perfection is an impossible ideal designed to keep us in a state of striving without ever truly reaching it. In a way, the "messiness" of life is what gives it depth and meaning. It's the moments of imperfection, vulnerability, and growth that actually shape us, not some idealized, polished version of ourselves. Life is about navigating those messes, learning from them, and still finding joy and meaning despite the chaos. Beauty lies in the story created by imperfections. When it’s all said and done, I don’t want to be remembered as perfect. I would rather be remembered as real.
